CHAPTER 6
I waited, Until I didn't
Tahimik lang akong nakaupo sa harap ng study table ko, my eyes fixed on the phone in my hand.
Ang dami nang messages ni Malcolm.
One after another.
Some were questions. Some were random little things he used to tell me. And there were even messages that didn't really need a reply—but somehow, he still sent them.
I stared at his name on my screen for a few seconds.
Should I reply to him?
Or should I just leave everything unread?
“Ba’t ba ako ang kinukulit ng lalaking ’to?” bulong ko sa sarili ko. “Try niya kayang kulitin ’yung babaeng pinili niya.”
Napabuntong-hininga ako.
Hays.
“Bahala na nga.”
I finally opened our conversation.
I read every message he had sent me, but unlike before, I didn't feel the same excitement to answer each one.
Dati, kapag si Malcolm ang kausap ko, I could write paragraphs without even noticing the time. I would tell him every little detail about my day. I would ask questions, make jokes, and sometimes even wait for his replies while staring at my phone like an idiot.
But this time...
My replies were short.
Okay.
Haha.
Yeah.
Sure.
Sometimes, I didn't even bother typing.
React na lang.
Maybe this was my way of slowly teaching myself how to let go.
Or maybe...
Iwas simply getting tired.
“HOY! ISHA!!!”
“AY, PALAKA!”
Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko sa sobrang gulat.
“CARLO!”
Napalingon ako sa kanya, almost ready to throw something at him.
“Bakit ba nanggugulat ka?! Sumusulpot ka na lang bigla na parang kabute!”
He only laughed.
As if he hadn't just given me a mini heart attack, he casually reached over and messed up my hair.
“Ay... ang sama naman ng tingin,” he teased. “Sige ka, ang pangit mong tignan kapag ganyan.”
“Che!” inayos ko ang buhok ko. “Wala kang pakialam. Ano ba kasing ginagawa mo dito?”
Instead of answering, he just smiled at me.
Ano bang nakakatawa?
“Siraulo,” I muttered.
“Tara, mag-gala tayo.”
He leaned closer and practically shoved his face in front of mine.
I stared at him.
“Siguro kamag-anak mo mga baliw, ’no?”
Napatawa ako nang bahagya.
“Okay lang,” he said, smiling. “At least tumawa ka.”
Then he gently ran his fingers through my hair again.
“So, tara na. Labas tayo. Mag-unwind tayo. May plano akong puntahan natin.”
I glanced at the calendar.
Sunday.
Maybe I really did need this.
I had work tomorrow, and after everything that had been running through my head lately, a little escape sounded good.
“Fine,” I finally said. “Bigyan mo lang ako ng time para mag-ayos.”
After I finished getting ready, I found Carlo already lying comfortably on my bed.
As if it were his own.
“Hoy!”
He looked at me innocently.
“Ready ka na?” saad ko sa kanya
“lets gooooooo'' masaya niyang saad na para bang isang bata na napagbigyan..
I rolled my eyes and grabbed my things.
“Oh, tara na,” I said, already walking toward the door.
The truth was, I didn't want to stay any longer.
Not because I didn't enjoy his company.
But because the way he looked at me sometimes...
It was becoming harder to ignore.
We headed outside and sumakay na sa motor niya..
Before I could even put on the helmet, he carefully placed it over my head and adjusted the strap.
I blinked.
What a gentledog.
I almost laughed at my own thought.
Gentleman sana. Pero gentledog?
That was more fitting for Carlo.
After a while, the motorcycle finally stopped.
I slowly removed my helmet and looked around.
My eyes widened.
“Wow...”
The place was beautiful.
The kind of beautiful that looked almost unreal.
Parang lugar na puwedeng maging setting ng isang Hollywood music video. Everything looked so carefully arranged—the scenery, the greenery, the open space, even the little details that made the whole place feel like it had been taken straight out of a fairytale.
“Ganda, ’no?”
I could only nod.
“Yeah... ang ganda.”
I was still looking around when I suddenly felt Carlo take my hand.
“Come on.”
“Huh?”
He pulled me along toward a small area with a sign that read RENTAL.
“Yung pina-reserve ko po,” he told one of the staff members.
The staff smiled and nodded.
I looked at Carlo suspiciously.
“Anong pina-reserve mo?”
But before he could answer, one of the staff members gently led me inside.
And that's when I realized.
He had rented clothes for us.
“Seriously?”
I couldn't stop myself from laughing when I saw the dress they prepared for me.
The moment I put it on, I looked like some kind of noble lady from an old fairytale.
“Grabe,” I whispered while looking at myself in the mirror.
I requested that they keep everything natural.
Simple makeup.
Nothing too heavy.
And for my hair, I asked them to keep it simple as well.
I didn't want to look like someone else.
I just wanted to look like me.
When I finally stepped out of the fitting room, I saw Carlo standing nearby, fixing his polo shirt.
He looked...
Different.
Still Carlo.
But somehow, different.
“Oyy, si sir...” one of the staff members teased. “Tulala kay ma'am!”
I couldn't help but laugh.
Carlo immediately looked away, pretending to be busy with his shirt.
“Ano?” I teased.
“Wala.”
“Sure?”
“Shall we?”
He extended his hand toward me.
I looked at it for a moment before placing mine in his.
He smiled.
I smiled back.
And for a brief moment, everything felt simple.
No Malcolm.
No complicated feelings.
No questions about who chose whom.
Just me and Carlo.
“Grabe naman tong pakulo mo,” I said as we walked. “Nagmu-mukha tayong nasa fairytale.”
“Of course.”
I looked at him.
“Of course?”
He grinned.
“Hindi lang ’yan. Lilibutin natin ’to habang nakasakay sa kabayo.”
My eyes widened.
“Horseback riding?!”
I stared at him in disbelief.
Why didn't I return the love he had been giving me?
Why was I making myself suffer for someone who couldn't choose me?
Someone who said he loved me...
but couldn't choose me.
Someone who made me feel wanted...
but never enough to be the one he would stay for.
I looked at Carlo again.
And for the first time, I wondered—
What if the person I've been waiting for has been beside me all along?
“Baka naman matunaw ako sa kakatingin mo sa akin.”
His voice pulled me back to reality.
I froze.
“Ha?”
He glanced at me with a teasing smile.
“You've been staring at me for a while.”
I quickly looked away.
“Tss.”
He chuckled.
“Naiinlove ka na sa akin, ’no?”
I rolled my eyes.
“Feeling.”
“Dapat lang.”
I laughed softly.
But this time...
I couldn't completely deny the thought.
I closed my eyes again.
But this time, I wasn't thinking about Malcolm.
I was thinking about Carlo.
About the way he always made me laugh.
The way he showed up without being asked.
The way he never made me question whether I mattered.
And suddenly, I understood something.
Maybe love wasn't always supposed to feel like waiting.
Maybe love wasn't supposed to make you wonder whether you were worth choosing.
Maybe...
I had spent too much time looking toward someone who was never coming, while someone else had been patiently standing right beside me.
Pero kaibigan lang ang turing ko sa kanya.
Hindi ko alam kung kaya ba ng puso kong magmahal ng iba.
The horse continued along the path.
Carlo's arms remained steady around me.
And for the first time in a long time...
I didn't feel like I was waiting for anyone.
Because maybe...
I was finally learning how to stop.
Kahit sobrang minahal ko si Malcolm, hindi ko pa rin lubos maisip na may mas masakit pa pala kaysa sa mawalan ng taong mahal mo.
Ang makita siyang may minamahal na iba.
Maybe... iyon ang dahilan kung bakit hindi ko magawang makita si Carlo sa ganoong paraan.
Because I only see him as my best friend.
Nothing else.
Or maybe... I was simply not ready to see him as anything more.
At hindi ko rin lubos maintindihan kung bakit isinama ng libro si Carlo sa lahat ng ito.
Hindi ko rin mahanap kung nasaan na ang librong iyon.
It was Malcolm's journal.
At halos hindi ko pa nababasa ang lahat ng nakasulat doon dahil naduwag akong basahin iyon dati. Every page brought back the pain of the past—the kind of pain I had spent so long trying to bury.
Kahit pakiramdam ko noon... kasama niya rin akong namahinga.
But now, I couldn't help but wonder...
Why did the book bring Carlo into my story?
------
The next morning... It was monday
Here I was again.
Another day of work.
Another day of pretending that everything was okay.
And, unfortunately, another day of seeing Malcolm.
I kept my distance from him.
I didn't know if he noticed.
Dati, whenever we walked together, I would naturally stay close to him. Sometimes, I would even hold onto his arm para mas mapalapit ako sa kanya..
But now?
I would walk a few steps ahead.
And whenever he got too close, I would subtly move away.
Hindi narin ako masyadong tumitingin sa kanya.. hindi gaya ng dati..
Whenever we talked, I made sure my eyes only met his for the amount of time a normal conversation required.
Nothing more.
Nothing that might give away what was happening inside my heart.
I didn't want him to notice that I was hurting.
Most of all, I didn't want him to think that I was still waiting.
---
Lunch came, and just like before, Malcolm and I still ended up eating together.
There was another male coworker with us that day.
Malcolm sat beside me, just like he always did.
But unlike before, neither of us really talked.
He was quietly staring at his phone, while our other coworker kept the conversation alive.
I listened and occasionally responded, but honestly, I was getting tired.
Ang daldal naman nito.
I smiled faintly to myself.
Don't get me wrong. I wasn't annoyed.
I was just too emotionally exhausted to keep talking.
Eventually, I became quiet.
And apparently, our coworker noticed that Malcolm had been unusually quiet too.
“Tol,” he said, looking at Malcolm. “Ang tahimik mo naman masyado. Parang malungkot ka rin ah.”
I glanced at Malcolm.
Only for a second.
His eyes were still on his phone.
I already knew who he was talking to.
Her.
The girl he had chosen.
“Nag-away ba kayo ng girlfriend mo?” our coworker asked.
Malcolm gave a small smile.
“Ah... wala. Okay lang ako.”
He paused.
“Babae lang ’yan.”
I didn't react.
Instead, I quietly started gathering my things.
“mauuna na ako sa office.”
I stood up.
The moment I did, they stood as well, saying they might as well head back too.
I immediately walked faster.
Please....
I just wanted to get inside the elevator before they did.
For one second, I even wished I could close the doors right in their faces.
But unfortunately, they made it.
As Malcolm stepped inside, I moved farther away from him.
I pretended to be busy with my phone.
Thankfully, Carlo had been flooding my messages since morning.
He had already started sending me pictures from yesterday.
I opened one.
And another.
I couldn't help but smile.
Cute naman namin dito.
I looked at another picture.
Parang mga royals kuno.
For a moment, I forgot about Malcolm.
For a moment, I forgot about everything.
---
Just like before, I found myself going to the bathroom.
But this time, I wasn't there to cry.
I was there to fix myself.
It had been a while since I had actually taken the time to properly look after myself.
So I stood in front of the mirror and retouched my makeup, even though it was already fine.
I fixed my hair.
Checked my face.
Then smiled at my reflection.
I took one last breath before leaving the bathroom.
And then I saw him.
Malcolm was standing nearby, drinking water.
My first instinct was to pretend I hadn't seen him.
*Just walk straight.*
*Don't look.*
*Don't stop.*
I tried.
But my feet refused to cooperate.
Instead, they carried me straight toward him.
“Akala ko kung nasaan ka,” he said when he noticed me.
“Nasa bathroom lang ako.”
I smiled faintly.
“Tara, pasok na tayo.”
I was about to walk past him when his voice stopped me.
“Iniiwasan mo ba ako?”
I froze.
I didn't know how to answer.
So instead, I changed the subject.
“Gano’n ba kalala ’yung away niyo na naman ng girlfriend mo para maging ganyan ka kalugmok?”
He looked at me.
“We didn't fight.”
His voice was softer now.
“Medyo... naging cold lang ako sa kanya.”
He looked down for a moment.
“Kasalanan ko rin naman.”
I remained silent.
“Napansin ko kasi na iniiwasan mo ako.”
I looked at him.
And that's when I saw it.
His eyes looked like they were holding back tears.
His voice slightly cracked when he repeated the words.
“**Iniiwasan mo ako.**”
My chest tightened.
“Ah...” I swallowed. “Gano’n ba ’yung tingin mo? Na iniiwasan kita?”
He nodded.
“Hindi ko kasi pala kaya.”
He gave a small, almost broken laugh.
“Hindi ko kaya na iniiwasan mo ako.”
I stared at him.
“Akala ko kaya ko. Pero hindi pala.”
He looked directly into my eyes.
“Napapansin kong nagbago ka... kahit sinabi mo sa akin dati na hindi ka magbabago. Na gano’n ka pa rin sa akin.”
He paused.
I didn't answer immediately.
Because the truth was...
Yes.
More than he knew.
I took a deep breath.
“Pasensya ka na.”
My voice was already starting to tremble.
“Hindi ko naman intensyon na iparamdam sa’yo na parang ayoko na sa’yo.”
I looked away.
“Nasaktan lang talaga ako.”
I forced myself to look back at him.
“Una... sabi mo mahal mo na ako.”
His expression changed.
“Sinabi mo sa akin na hindi lang infatuation ’yung nararamdaman mo sa akin. Na totoo ’yon.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat.
"and nangako ka sa akin.”
My voice became quieter.
“Sinabi mo na kapag nag-usap na kayo ulit, kakausapin mo siya sa chat. Sasabihin mong makikipaghiwalay ka na sa kanya nang maayos.”
He remained silent.
“And then... hindi mo rin sinabi sa akin na okay na pala kayo.”
I laughed bitterly.
“Kung hindi ko pa napansin at tinanong kita, hindi mo naman sana sasabihin.”
I shook my head.
“Nagdalawang-isip ka pa nga kung sasabihin mo ba sa akin o hindi.”
My eyes started to sting.
“Actually, napansin ko na ’yon.”
I looked down at my hands.
“Nung medyo matagal kang mag-reply sa akin.”
I smiled sadly.
“Hindi ka naman gano’n dati.”
I took a breath.
“So I figured... baka okay na kayo.”
My voice cracked.
“Baka siya na naman ang kausap mo.”
I looked at him.
“And I was right.”
Silence.
“Sino ba naman ako, di ba?”
I smiled, but there was no happiness in it.
“Malinaw na sa akin, oppa.”
I shook my head.
“Hindi ako ’yung pinipili mo.”
The words hurt even as I said them.
“Siya.”
I swallowed.
“Malinaw na rin sa akin na hindi mo ako gano’n kamahal.”
My eyes began to fill with tears.
“Na wala akong karapatan.”
I took another breath.
“Kaya pinili ko na lang lumayo.”
My voice became smaller.
“Pinili ko na lang dumistansya sa’yo.”
I looked away before the tears could fall.
“Because I needed to protect myself.”
I laughed softly, sadly.
“Masakit na kasi.”
For a moment, neither of us spoke.
“For one whole week... naging masaya ako.”
I looked at him again.
“Isang buong linggo mong pinaramdam sa akin na kamahal-mahal ako.”
My voice trembled.
“And I knew why you were like that.”
I wiped the corner of my eye.
“Malungkot ka kasi dahil sa one-week space na hinihingi niya sa’yo.”
I smiled bitterly.
“So I thought maybe... you were only using me during that time.”
I shook my head.
“But it's okay.”
I forced another smile.
“Hinayaan ko naman ang sarili kong magpagamit.”
My heart was breaking, but I continued.
“Wishful thinking lang naman ako sa’yo.”
I took a deep breath.
“So wherever you're happy... I'll be happy for you.”
I looked at him one last time.
“If you're happy with her...”
My voice almost disappeared.
“Good for you.”
I smiled.
“Support kita diyan.”
The moment I finished speaking, my eyes burned.
I tried so hard not to cry.
But it was becoming difficult.
*Gano’n pala kasakit magmahal.*
I had heard people say it before.
But now...
I finally understood.
---
“Iyon ba talaga ang tingin mo?”
His voice was soft.
“That I was only using you during those days?”
I looked at him.
“Because everything I made you feel, Isha... was real.”
He stepped closer.
“I wasn't using you.”
His eyes were serious.
“I really do like you.”
I didn't say anything.
“Bad timing lang.”
He sighed.
“May girlfriend ako.”
He looked down.
“And I'm having a hard time letting her go.”
His voice was filled with frustration.
“Hindi ko alam kung paano ako makakahanap ng tamang timing para makawala sa kung anong meron kami.”
He looked at me again.
“So I could finally focus on us.”
My heart clenched.
“Hindi ko lang in-expect na magbabago ka.”
He swallowed.
“Hindi ko in-expect na iiwas ka sa akin.”
His voice became quieter.
“Hindi ko pala kaya.”
He looked at me.
“I can't handle you avoiding me.”
I smiled faintly.
I didn't want to defend my feelings anymore.
Because deep down, I already knew how this would end.
In the end...
I'd still be the one who would lose.
“Tara,” I finally said.
“Pasok na tayo.”
---
The moment I sat at my desk, I opened my computer.
I stared at my email for a few seconds.
Then I opened the draft I had prepared weeks ago.
My resignation letter.
I had thought about it for a long time.
I had hesitated.
I had thought about it for a long time.
I had hesitated.
I had convinced myself to stay.
But maybe...
This was the right time to finally leave.
Maybe I needed to get away.
Far enough to forget everything.
Far enough to stop looking at Malcolm and wondering what could have been.
Hanggang sa makabalik na kami sa present time ni carlo...
Dahil sa panahong ito...
I was no longer the woman Malcolm had loved in this version of the past.
And maybe the accident that had happened to him before...
would never happen now.
Maybe that was the price of changing the past.
Maybe this was the consequence of rewriting a future that was never supposed to be rewritten.
I stared at the resignation letter.
Then I clicked **Send**.
It was done.
No turning back.
I slowly leaned back in my chair.
And just as I thought I could finally breathe...
I felt someone take my hands.
I looked up.
Malcolm.?
He was standing in front of me.
His hands gently holding mine.
His eyes were searching mine.
“Pwede bang...” he whispered.
He paused.
“...huwag mo na akong iwasan?”
I didn't move.
“Pwede bang bumalik na lang tayo sa kung ano tayo dati?”
I stared at him.
I didn't know what to say.
Because the person standing in front of me was asking me to return to the version of us I had been trying so hard to forget.
The version where I stayed close.
The version where I held his arm while we walked.
The version where I looked at him and believed that maybe...
just maybe...
one day, he would choose me.
But I wasn't that girl anymore.
And for the first time...
I wasn't sure if I still wanted to be.
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