CHAPTER 2
Tides of time
“Mal… Malcolm!”
I jolted awake, my body lurching upright as if my soul had been ripped back from somewhere it wanted to stay. My chest rose and fell unevenly, my hands trembling as the remnants of my dream clung to me. In it, I saw Malcolm walking away, farther and farther, his figure slowly dissolving into the distance no matter how loudly I called his name.
Kung sa panaginip ko lang naman siya muling makakasama, hindi ko na nanaisin pang magising sa realidad. Mas gugustuhin ko na lamang ang matulog habang-buhay—sapagkat sa mundo ng panaginip, buhay pa siya. Doon, hindi niya ako iniwan. Doon, hindi ko kailangang magtanong kung bakit siya nawala. Doon, akin pa rin siya—buo, totoo, at walang hangganan ang oras.
Sa bawat pagdilat ng aking mga mata, pilit kong pinipigilan ang liwanag ng umaga. Para bang ang paggising ay isang uri ng pagtalikod sa kanya. Sa panaginip, naroon pa ang kanyang tinig, ang init ng kanyang yakap, ang mga pangakong hindi kailanman naputol. But the moment I wake up, reality steals him away from me—again and again.
“Isha!”
A familiar voice cut through the silence, pulling me back into the present. Napalingon ako sa gulat, my heart pounding as reality came crashing in.
“Carlo?” gulat kong sabi. “What are you doing here? At bakit tila basang-basa ka? You didn’t even change your clothes.”
He stood there, damp from the rain, as if he had rushed out without thinking. He gave a small smile, but the sadness in his eyes betrayed him—an ache he had been carrying quietly, just for me.
“’Wag mo akong alalahanin,” he said softly. “I’m fine. Ang mahalaga ay kung ayos ka lang ba? "
I smiled, a fragile one. In that moment, I realized something I had forgotten—may mga taong nananatili. People who stayed, even when I was blinded by the pain of losing Malcolm.
“Of course,” I answered. “I’m okay. Don’t worry about me. And thank you, Carlo… for always being there for me. I really appreciate it.”
He didn’t reply right away. He simply looked at me, then smiled—the kind that revealed his deep dimples along his cheeks and the corner of his lips. Slowly, gently, he took my hands in his.
“It’s been two years,” he said “Hindi ka pa rin ba nakakalimot sa pagkawala niya?”
parang sumikip ng sandali ang dibdib ko.
“Never,” I whispered. “Kahit kailan, hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan si Malcolm. He was the man I loved with my whole life—my greatest love… and my greatest pain.”
The tears finally fell, silent but heavy. I missed him more than words could ever explain. Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan matatapos ang pagluluksa ko, or if it would ever end at all.
Maybe it never will.
Malcolm, mahal ko, I cried silently in my heart. Kung panaginip lang ang lahat ng ito, pwede mo ba akong gisingin? O ako na lang ang kunin mo pabalik sa panaginip kung saan buhay ka pa?
Kinagabihan, when the house finally surrendered to silence, I returned to the ritual that kept me breathing. Naupo ako sa harap ng aking study table. Ginagawa ang laging nakasanayan, ang pagsusulat ng journal.
Isinusulat ko ang lahat ng salitang hindi ko masabi kahit kanino. Words meant for God… and for Malcolm. I wrote as if every sentence might cross the distance between the living and the lost, as if someone , somewhere—was listening.
Nagbabakasakali ako. If He can hear me, maybe He can whisper all of this to Malcolm. Tell him I’m still here. Tell him I never stopped loving him.
Na kung pwede lang,
ibalik Mo ako sa nakaraan—sa panahong hawak ko pa ang mga kamay niya.
I would trade my life for him. Walang takot, walang pag-aalinlangan. I would give everything—my future, my breath, my tomorrow—just to be with him again. Kahit sandali lang. Kahit isang alaala lang.
Hindi ko namalayang nanginginig na ang aking mga kamay habang patuloy ang pag-iyak. My tears blurred the ink, turning words into shadows, until my strength finally gave way. I fell asleep right there at my desk, my head resting on the very pages that carried my grief.
Then something shifted.
I don’t know whether it was a dream or something far more real. The book that had silently received my wishes moments ago began to glow, as if it held a heartbeat of its own.
The light spread, swallowing my vision whole.
And then—
everything went black.
“Isha!”
Bigla akong nagising sa isang tapik sa balikat ko, na parang yumanig ang buong katawan ko sa biglaang gising.
“Mal… Malcolm?” gulat na wika ko, halos hindi makapaniwala sa nakikita ko. Ngumiti lamang siya—simple, tahimik, ngunit punô ng isang bagay na hindi ko kayang ilarawan.
And then, suddenly, the world shifted. Parang nag-iba ang panahon sa isang iglap—ang lahat ay mabilis at malabo, parang may unseen force na humihigop sa akin, hinahatak ako sa isang oras at lugar na hindi ko inaasahan. My stomach churned as the space around me twisted, stretching seconds into eternities.
Nakatayo ako, paralizado sa pagkabigla, sa isang silid na pamilyar ngunit kakaiba. Maraming mata ang nakatingin sa akin. Some were curious, others worried, and a few… parang natatawa sa aking reaksyon, o sa kabalintunaan ng sitwasyon.
Then I saw him.
Malcolm.
Napatitig ako sa lalaking nakaupo sa harap ko, mata niya nakatitig rin sa akin, parang sinusukat ang bigat ng bawat segundo. May halong pagtataka sa kanyang mga mata, pero… may iba pa ring damdamin doon—something I couldn’t name.
Ang mundo ay tila huminto sa pag-ikot. Between the strange glow that filled the room and the countless eyes quietly observing us, Malcolm and I—dalawang estranghero, yet somehow bound by a connection that refused to fade.
Parang bawat segundo ay nakabitin sa isang sinulid ng oras, every heartbeat stretching longer than it should, every breath heavy with unspoken questions. And I… I couldn’t let go. Hindi ko kayang palayain ang sandaling iyon, kahit alam kong wala pa kaming kasiguraduhan sa kung ano ang susunod na mangyayari.
The air around us vibrated with something unspoken, a fragile tension that felt like it could snap or pull us closer. Sa kabila ng pagkakahiwalay sa realidad, naramdaman ko ang init ng presensya niya, na tila isang paalala na kahit sa gitna ng pagbabago, may mga bagay na hindi nawawala.
I had returned to the past-fifteen years ago, sa panahong hindi mo pa ako kilala, sa panahong pangalan ko ay wala pa sa mundo mo. Sa panahong ito, mahal, hindi mo pa alam ang pangalan ko. Hindi mo pa alam ang kwento ko, ang mga sugat na darating, ang mga halakhak at luha na pagsasaluhan natin balang araw. You looked at the world with the innocence of someone who had not yet loved and lost-and yet, my heart already knew you.Gusto kitang yakapin.
Nais kong lumapit, ibalot ang mga bisig ko sa'yo, at maramdaman muli ang init ng yakap mo-the kind of warmth that once felt like home. I wanted to tell you everything that you would change my life, that loving you would be both my greatest joy and my deepest ache.
Ngunit hindi maaari.Dahil sa panahong ito, isa lamang akong estrangherong dumaraan.
I am someone you have not yet met, someone your heart has not yet learned to recognize. And so I stood there, watching you from a distance, carrying a love that did not yet exist in your time-but already lived fully in mine.
I MISSED YOU SO MUCH MAHAL KO...
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